What the hell am I doing?

Self Portrait 2009

 

I’m feeling very scared today and very alone and very worried, it’s a hard day. It’s either the start of something huge or the start of me falling hard on my face.

I’m trying to be optimistic but it’s not easy right now, I’m looking at this big vast future full of mortgage payments and toilet paper and wondering where the money will come from and hoping that it all works out.

It’s my last day with a “real” job, a steady paycheck, health insurance and the same hours everyday with an hour lunch break at the same strike of noon.

Will I flourish in this unconstrained structure I am to create on my own or simply end up spending everyday in bed until 10am, wishing I could will myself to do something.

The idea of freedom is making me feel strange, simply because of the way our society is constructed.

I hope to God I can do this and I will be praying and meditating. This first part is going to be hard, but I want to stay positive.

If you feel compelled to send some prayers or good vibes or love my way, I will gladly accept them with open arms, and thank you so much for it.

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