Some days aren’t yours at all

photo by Briana Kurth

You know those days where you just DON’T WANT to get out of bed AT ALL.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed in the worst way. This has been happening somewhat more often since I started working nights.

When you wake up at 3 or 4 in the afternoon, you feel like the day is gone, even if you were up working until 8am.

Things are getting better overall but today felt like a really big setback. It was one of those days where you push yourself out of the shitty mood, but slip back in, maybe get out a bit and then get into the bad really deep again. I was in bed for a while debating whether to go to the gym, make something to eat, fall back asleep or do one of the million things on my to-do list. I felt so overwhelmed, the world and all that I want to do and prove and show everyone was on the line and I felt like I had to pick the right choice and get up running to get it all done today. After I got up I went and laid in the backyard in the most perfect overcast slightly cool weather. I snuggled with Lou and laughed at Edina running around like a goof. I tried to get some stuff done but felt defeated and started watching some TV. Mike got home and then took a little nap and I started to mope a lot more. Ana came over with Niya to take some photos of her and for some reason I just couldn’t shake it. As soon as they left I crawled into bed wit Mike and sobbed. Sometimes you really do just have to get it out, and that’s what I needed to do. Mike listened and consoled me as he always does and he helped me get some shit off my chest.

I explained to him that I feel like I am not going to “make it” as a photographer and he assured me that I already am a photographer and that I need to stop looking at things like I am not. I need to just remember that I can always get better and grow and keep that prospective. He always is my biggest fan ever and keeps me motivated and I really don’t think I would be able to do it without him because he is the one who got me convinced to keep on going and not give up when I was about to quit all together the beginning of last year.

So I guess I start to feel better but now I am working and all I want to do is go to bed, I am two energy drinks in and I still can’t barely keep my eyes open. I know things will get better and I know that I have to keep my chin up, but I also have to remember I am allowed to have really sad days and I am allowed to cry and be sad and not get anything done.

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